What's even madder than the 'Wet and Walk Away' theory?

Sometimes even we are surprised. The spectacle of the Peak District going up in flames because every conservation organisation – and Natural England – believes that if they all hope hard enough their ridiculous theory of 'Wet and Walk Away' will magically prevent wildfire is appalling, but it isn't surprising. Everyone told them it would happen. They may be surprised, even amazed, but we are not.

The grown-ups all said it would be a disaster. Here's a brilliant plan! Let's pretend that we can rewet places that have never been drained. Then let's take all the grazing animals off so the vegetation grows as never before. Then we can make sure that the massive fuel load is as continuous and combustible as possible, by stopping cool rotational burning. What a wonderful plan. Hot, dry weather, thousands of people – not a problem. What could possibly go wrong?

We don't want to talk about wildfires. We want talk about elk.

So, no. Faced with such stupidity, we aren't in the least surprised that wildfire has ravaged the moorlands at the height of the breeding season. What has surprised us is something very different. It is elk.

Yes, elk. We know it is surprising. What on earth has an giant deer that has been extinct for 3,000 - 4000 years in the UK got to do with the Derbyshire?  Well, dear readers, they are on their way.

Here is what Rachel Bennett, Deputy of Wilder Landscapes and Derbyshire Wildlife Trust (DWT) said this week.

'This exciting project is working towards the possibility of reintroducing elk into two enclosures in Derbyshire and Nottingham, bringing these two keystone species together for the first time in 3000 years in the UK'.

'This project could demonstrate how this crucial ecosystem engineer can thrive in flood plain landscapes, shaping diverse habitats that benefit communities and support biodiversity recovery. It may also serve as a catalyst for engaging people in the long term benefits of returning elk to the wild'.

The initial steps along the road to having six foot tall, 1,600 lb bull elk ecosystem engineering a garden centre near Worksop, will be part funded, as you might expect, by Rewilding Britain, an organisation that makes Lord of the Rings look like a text book. You will be pleased to know that they are also giving funds to European bison and beaver projects, so elk are not alone in bonkersdom.

But Elk? In Derbyshire? Really? Where on earth can they put the biggest deer in the world?

Well, that is another surprise. It is hoped that it will be the Willington Wetlands beaver enclosure. To be fair, its probably the best spot. We have lost count of the number of times we have remarked, as we hurtled along the adjacent A34 in a torrent of traffic, 'This is just the place for some elk'.

What could be more like the endless pine forests and taiga of Arctic Norway than some water filled pits on a bit of wasteland a couple of miles south of Derby, stuck between the Trent and the A34. It is so obviously perfect elk habitat that we are amazed that they ever died out in the first place. If only Derby and the A34 had been there in 1000-2000 BC, they would probably have made it.

As you may imagine, the news has caused wild excitement on social media amongst the more optimistic followers of the cult of rewilding. My favourite, presumably from someone who has never visited Derbyshire, said:

'Bringing back elk to Britain after 3,000 years will not only transform ecosystems but also offer us a unique opportunity to witness the power of rewilding on a grand scale. It's exciting to see such initiatives gaining momentum - the impact on biodiversity and climate resilience will be profound!'

Obviously this is mostly utter nonsense, but he is right about one thing- the impact. Unfortunately, it will not be on biodiversity and climate resilience, but on the driver and passengers of the vehicle that hits the six foot tall, 1600 pounds of elk at 70 mph on the A34 when the poor begger works out how to get out of its pen.

This is so disgraceful and mad that it is hard to know where to start. Let's try 3,000 years ago.

When elk disappeared the total human population of Britain was less than modern Stratford-on-Avon, and their most powerful weapon was a choice between a stone axe and a pointed stick. Most of Britain's habitat was hardly altered from pristine. There were no roads, marshes were undrained, and woods unfelled. But the elk, which Rewilding Britain and the DWT think will do just fine in 21st century landscape with roads and motorways, massive urbanisation, ubiquitous agriculture and no suitable habitat, were already extinct.

The people in charge of this nonsense say without any evidence that the animal disappeared because the forests were felled, and it was hunted to extinction. In northern Europe it survived with far greater human population density, and progressively better weapons until modern times. It survived for an extra 3,000 years in places where the habitat remained suitable.

Is it likely that our ancestors wiped them out with sharp rocks and pointy sticks, when the Norwegians couldn't do it over 3,000 years with steel tipped arrows or eventually muskets?

We know what elk habitat was and still is. It is forest dominated by a mixture of coniferous species. The likeliest explanation for its demise is that the natural habitat of Britain could not support a robust enough population. We only have one native conifer, the Scots Pine, and there is a mass of evidence that the Scottish Highlands lost most of them naturally due to changes to soil structure when the climate became wet and cold a couple of thousand years after the ice retreated.

Never mind: perhaps there is ample habitat now. Well, no. the amount of habitat suited to elk in the two counties would not be big enough for a game of football. The DWT Deputy Wilder Landscapes has picked on wetlands because that is all they've got. Some wild elk visit wetlands, and sometimes feed there at certain times of the summer and autumn, but they are forest animals 12 months of the year. To pretend otherwise is disgraceful.

Get a good map, look at these two counties, identify where there are hundreds of square miles of continuous conifer forest containing a European mix of species. It doesn't take long, because it doesn't exist.

How on earth can the officers and trustees of the DWT think that this madness is remotely justifiable? There is a clue in a reference to people wanting to travel to see the elk pen, and it may be that, like the bison pen in Kent, they see exhibiting an elk or two within easy reach of the M1 as a means of taking money from the gullible. But that makes the whole thing even worse, and if they are charging admission, they will need to apply for a zoo licence.

A child can see that the idea that elk can be re-introduced into the wild in the English Midlands is simply mad. But perhaps we shouldn't have been surprised. The DWT's grasp on reality has always been questionable. After all, they are amongst the keenest advocates of the 'Wet and Walk Away' system of moorland abandonment. That has worked really well. There have been 19 wildfires so far this spring in the Peak District on Wet and Walk Away moorland, and that is only the beginning.

Faced with real problems for which they have no practical answers, it's not surprising that the DWT Deputy Wilder Landscapes thinks that elk might be a useful distraction.